Life thru a lens

My mind gets so confused.

Yesterday I visited Hanne for a short while after the football match. She had some raspberries she wanted to give mum and so we went to grab that. We only stayed for 10 minutes, but it was enough for me.

I saw what I could�ve had. I saw how things could�ve been, how I could�ve had it. I saw how my life could be different. My eyes absorbed a lot of how�s and what ifs. My mind got all messed up.

I became sad.

On the way home, my thoughts flew around in my head like a fly caught in a bottle. Hanne has this great life. She has a boyfriend; she got a lot of friends. She�s always has something to do, and from what I can see, she�s really never bored or lost the way I feel. I might be mistaken though, since I can�t read her mind.

I sometimes feel, like yesterday, feel stupid around her. I came with my parents and I left with my parents. I didn�t go home to my own apartment; I drove home to my parents� house. That�s my life! That is how I spend my vacation. It�s not something she does on purpose. She�s not trying to make me stupid. She doesn�t even know she makes me stupid. It�s all up in my head.

I tried to sleep on the way home, just so I didn�t have to think about all this, but my thoughts held me awake.

But�

I kind of like it the way I have it too. It�s not that bad actually. I do like to be around my parents� house and I don�t like to be pre-occupied all the time. It can get too much! It�s ok to do nothing, to not have any direction with the day, to just be without any particular things scheduled.

And being at my parents� house provides me a certain feeling of freedom. It�s in the middle of nowhere and very quiet (if you don�t count the infinite stream of cars on the main road). It�s like time stands still. No stressed out people hasting to get somewhere. No crowded trams or busses. It�s just you, the birds, the flies, fields and woods.

So all in all I know my life isn�t so bad. It�s just that my head messes with me and I get so confused when I see how things could�ve been if I took another path.

Ciao!